Apparently, inflation has gotten so bad even temperatures are jumping to record highs.
Parts of the United States—particularly a major portion of our fanbase in the South—are undergoing what experts are calling a “record-breaking heat dome.” Which was confusing to me, because I thought a record-breaking heat dome was the centerpiece of several cities’ plot to lure the Olympics or whatever beleaguered MLB team to town.
But I digress.
I’ll spare you the details, but basically conditions have set up to where a massive heat bubble is sitting on the heartland and the South. And buddy, it is brutal to be here right now.
This isn’t even romanticized heat. Long, summer days my keyboard. This isn’t the fun heat and humidity I grew up playing in. This is heat that makes Antarctica look appealing for my next house. Plus there aren’t any HOAs there.
The high for Aug. 23 was 100 where I live. Not heat index, not what it really feels like, the actual air temperature was 100.
Wait. Let me pause here. You. You, reading this in the Southwest. I know what you’re thinking. You’re reading this and thinking “100 is everyday here. That’s nothing. Wimp.”
Yes, but you don’t have the humidity we do.
The air is so thick in the South during the summer that it feels like you’re breathing in water at times. Go boil water, then let it cool slightly, and then dump it out over your sink. And then try to breath in the steam coming off as the water comes out. That’s just walking to the car here in the summer.
You can’t do anything to change the temperature outside, but there are a few things you can do to cope with them. I’ve compiled a few expert tips for you here.
NOTE: This is a satire column on a small sports-and-pop culture website. Your mileage may vary.
WAYS TO MANAGE DURING THIS HEAT WAVE:
CRY: Just let it all out. Open the floodgates and let those sweet, salty tears rain down. I’ve already done it twice thinking about having to mow my grass later. There’s nothing wrong with succumbing to the sadness of knowing that we all live in a broiler right now, and crying our way to a better tomorrow—or next month.
BECOME A HERMIT: Stay indoors. Close the blinds. Avoid the sunlight and your neighbors. You can’t count on anything earthly right now but a good air conditioner, so embrace that unit. Not literally, that could end badly.
START AN HVAC BUSINESS: You’ll be the most respected, highest-esteemed person on your block. Not only are you a small business owner giving back to the local economy, you’re the thin line between calm and anarchy from June to September. The only person more loved than a backup quarterback is the AC repair person in Alabama in July. Know what Southerners hate most about Summer? No football. Know what they hate second most? A broken condenser at 7 p.m.
COMPLETELY CHANGE YOUR SCHEDULE: It’s literally harmful to your health to go outdoors for an extended period of time between 10 a.m. and 8 p.m. right now. So completely swap your day! That’s right, sleep all day and go out and about at night! Breakfast at 7. Morning jog at 9. Cut the grass at midnight. Walk the dog at 2 a.m. Weed eat at 4. Get into a fistfight with your neighbor over the noise complaints at 6. All in a (reversed) day’s work.
SCROLL YOUR FAVORITE SPORTS AND POP CULTURE WEBSITE: Whoops! How’d that get in there?
ACCEPT THAT THE END IS NEAR: Wait, probably should clarify. I just meant that summer is coming to a close, and fall will be here soon enough. Along with its glorious 70-degree days.
Remember, you gotta hold on. And if none of the above works, you can take solace in knowing that football is right around the corner.
The Kudzu is a weekly column covering everything Southern. Including this heat.
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