It’s a brand new year and for many a chance to start over. The Jaguars and Jets have already begun their New Year’s resolutions of finding a competent new head coach to take the reins of the their franchises and have now turned their attention to the upcoming NFL draft.
The remaining five teams with coaching vacancies continue their interview process and have posted their openings to the job search boards. Here at the Message Pitch we are always looking out for our listeners so we have compiled them below for your convenience. So dust off your resume, get your suits dry cleaned and get yourself back out there. Let us know if we can be a reference.
Position: Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach
Reports To: Jeffrey Lurie & Howie Roseman
Position Summary: Effectively and efficiently communicate with your players that you are not tanking. All employees are to adhere to the Eagle way. Looking for a Super Bowl contending coach but if you go 9-7 and win division it will be looked as significant progress.
- Make key decisions on coaching staff and personnel that you will choose and not be influenced by front office(Must get owner approval).
- Give input on draft process and develop “sleeper” picks made by GM so they turn out better than the known commodity that was passed on.
- Must have emotional intelligence and be a mediator to QB room.
- Negotiation Skills. Knowledge of getting out of multi-million dollar deals preferred but not required.
- Must hate all things Dallas.
- Job Security- The previous coach was given 3 years after delivering the first championship in franchise history.
- Extended Vacation Time- Didn’t make playoffs and are 60 million over the cap. Januarys for the next three years look crystal clear.
- A loyal, patient, forgiving and understanding fanbase.
Please send all resumes with a cover letter to Jeffrey Lurie at Jeffrey&Howieforever@hotmail.com.
Position: Houston Texans Head Coach
Reports to: Janice McNair
Position Summary: With extremely limited resources this employee will seek to bring team back to contention in the heart of football country. Must have zero interest in making personnel decisions but take an unhappy team and turn water to wine.
- Make nice with Deandre Hopkins and bring him back home.
- Ability to win over disgruntled future hall of famers
- Must have efficient offensive line schemes
- Ability to turn back the clock and make David Johnson relevant again.
- Must have sourcing experience. Need decals of Bill O’ Brien’s face placed in all urinals.
- Texas BBQ
- Free Subway from JJ Watt
- Floating holidays on first 2 days of draft.
Please send all inquiries to HoustonTexansjobs@enron.com
Position: Detroit Lions Head Coach
Reports To: Sheila Ford Hamp
Position Summary: Honestly, why even bother…but Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson are some of the best players of all time.
Applications can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org
Position: Atlanta Falcons Head Coach
Reports to: Arthur Blank
Position Summary: With the Atlanta Falcons we offer state of the art facilities and a brand new stadium, which we couldn’t fill before the pandemic. Looking for a coach who coaches for 4 quarters. Seriously, we are tired of the being the laughingstock on NFL memes.
- Assist GM in identifying the next Alabama receiver to take in draft
- Must hate the numbers 28 and 3.
- Must have advanced medical knowledge, specifically the transplanting of new knees for Todd Gurley.
- The Braves blew a 3-1 lead.
- The Georgia Aquarium
- New Stadium
- Sweet throwbacks
Interested candidates should submit their resume to noleadissafe@ATLfalcons.com
Position: LA Chargers Head Coach
Reports To: Dean Spanos
Position Summary: In a gauntlet of a division, the LA Chargers seek a fierce competitor for their coaching position that will give it a hundred and ten percent for our passionate 500 fans that show up.
- Develop offense around Justin Herbert and somehow outscore the Chiefs.
- Work closely with the Clippers to gain knowledge of what it is like to be the 2nd team in your city.
- Just move back to San Diego.
- SoCal is always nice.
- Not playing in an MLS stadium anymore
- Justin Herbert is the real deal
It looks like the Jets haven’t taken their post down yet….
Position: New York Jets Head Coach
Reports to: Woody and Christopher Johnson
Responsibilities: 4-5 years’ experience of not being Adam Gase.
Best of luck to all prospective candidates!