SATIRICAL ANN ARBOR – Amidst a sign-stealing controversy that has it under intense scrutiny, the Michigan Wolverines football program is rumored to be looking to change conference affiliation.
The No. 3-ranked Wolverines, who have been members of the Big 10 Conference for all but nine years since 1896, are rumored to be headed to Major League Baseball. A surprising move, considering the football Wolverines are neither a professional baseball team, nor play baseball.
“We feel as a traditional power in college football, broadening horizons is important for the landscape of our program,” said one source, who asked for anonymity.. “It just feels like a move to the MLB is a groundbreaking decision that can bring positive results not only to us, but all of college football.”
The decision comes at a time when the Wolverines football program finds itself both firmly in the national championship conversation and embroiled in controversy; the NCAA is currently investigating the program for utilizing technology to steal signs from opposing teams.
The scandal is, oddly enough, reminiscent of the 2017 Houston Astros baseball team, who were found to be utilizing extensive technology to steal signs from opposing teams and players. The team won the World Series that season, with the scandal breaking after.
The Astros beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in seven games to win baseball’s biggest prize, and the victory came under intense scrutiny after it was found that Houston had been employing a staffer to utilize extensive video techniques to steal opposing team’s pitch signals, relaying the information to the Astros’ dugout in real-time and having those on the bench banging on a trash can to let the hitter know what pitch was coming.
Despite the unprecedented scandal, the Astros were allowed to keep the championship, the players were given immunity in exchange for compliance in the investigation, and a $5 million dollar fine levied against the franchise estimated at $2.25 billion in worth. Both the manager and general manager were suspended, but manager AJ Hinch has since been hired by the Detroit Tigers.
Michigan sources claim that the leniency shown by MLB to the Astros in light of the massive scandal had no bearing on the decision.
“Astros…Astros…nope, not ringing a bell,” the anonymous source said. “What a cowinky-dink. That’s crazy. We just think this is the best move for our program going forward. Go blue!”
A source for Major League Baseball, who also agreed to speak anonymously, said the decision was out of the ordinary, but welcomed.
“We’re always looking at expansion for our sport,” the source said. “We think two teams in the state of Michigan is a positive. We feel we can learn from Michigan’s experience in college football, and they can learn from our strict standards for teams adhering to our rules.”
The Message Pitch investigative reporter Scoop Pressman contributed to this report.
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